THE BITTERSWEET MOTHER’S DAY

Today should be different. 

This Mother’s Day I should be placing two candles on a cake. The fact that it’s even Mother’s Day at all should be merely a distraction as I focus on celebrating my sweet Allorah’s 2nd birthday.

Instead, I am putting together a Butterfly garden in her memory, consoling her Big Sister that misses her daily, nursing her little brother that she will never get to meet earth-side, and trying to stay strong for my husband that’s hurting as deeply as I am.

How did we get here?

The question, “How did we get here?” echoes over and over again in my mind. 

It has been 9 months, and I am convinced the shock still hasn’t wore off. Truth is, no one prepares themselves to be where we are at. It’s normal to be aware that tragedies happen and people suffer everyday, however, it’s abnormal to be so aware of it, that it consumes so many of your thoughts. We’re abnormal now. The blindfold is off, and it’s easy to see how quickly sorrow can arrive.

As a mother, from the moment you see those two pink lines on, you are concerned for the well being of your baby. Your “baby” may even be 40+ years old, and yet you still worry about them just as you did from the beginning. That’s what love is.

So, how do we define the love of a mother? It’s deep. It’s unconditional. It’s selfless. Truly, the only type of love that surpasses it is the love that God has for us called “Agape” love. We can do our best to show this type of love, but will never be able to fully achieve giving it in the way God does.

“Agape love is unconcerned with the self and concerned with the greatest good of another. Agape isn’t born just out of emotions, feelings, familiarity, or attraction, but from the will and as a choice. Agape requires faithfulness, commitment, and sacrifice without expecting anything in return.

This is the type of love the Bible speaks about the most. The New Testament references agape over 200 times.

Biblical writers used God as the standard for true agape. 

Agape love, in the Bible, is love that comes from God. God’s love isn’t sentimental; it’s part of His character. God loves from an outpouring of who He is. As 1 John 4:8 states, “God is love [agapos],” meaning He is the source of agape love. His love is undeserved, gracious, and sacrificial. We are to love God and others with agape love. Agape is a choice, a deliberate striving for another’s highest good, and is demonstrated through action. God set the standard for agape love in sending Jesus to die for us while we were still sinners.

Agape love does not come naturally to us in our sinful state. However, it does come naturally to God and is an integral part of Him. By drawing closer to Him and experiencing His love, we are able to begin to understand what this real love means. Only through Him can we show and experience agape love.”

Christianity.com

This. This is what every mother wants to give their children! I want to give my babies true agape love, yet still I will never be able to love them in the way God does. How incredibly awesome is that? 

You may be reading this and think, I do love my children that way, and there’s no possible way I could even begin to love them more! Trust me… I feel the exact same way and yet, no matter how hard we try, we can never love like God, and I am so glad for that.

This Mother’s Day I am hurting, and still – God’s love allows me to rejoice. It’s by His loving plan, that I was given my most treasured, precious title of Mother. It’s by His loving plan, that even out of losing Allorah he is turning it into something good. It’s by His loving plan, that I have a new baby in my arms as I write to celebrate with today. It’s by His loving plan, that although I will never have all my babies together to celebrate this day with me in our time on earth, I can still find joy.

As a mother, we will strive to give our children our best, but not once will we ever be perfect. It’s inevitable, we will fail them sometimes. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I fall short of being a perfect mom. There will always be some way (or let’s be honest – multiple ways) that I could improve and do better. But still, my babies love me. No matter how terribly I fail them, my babies still love me.

No matter how imperfect I am as a Mother and how much I could beat myself up for my mistakes, I can find peace because in showing us His agape love, God makes such perfect promises.

Today is another hard day, extra hard honestly. I realize I will never get to sing Happy Birthday to my sweet Allorah and watch her face light up as she blows out her candles, surrounded by those who love her. I won’t get to plan themed parties for her or buy her special gifts. I won’t get to see her reach those big milestone birthdays like her “Sweet 16”. These facts are pretty crushing. 

No matter how crushing they may seem, I am able to rejoice today. I could search her entire lifetime for the perfect birthday gift, but could never even touch the surface of the gift God was able to give her. Allorah has received her robe and crown from God himself in Heaven. This thought overwhelms me in ways I can’t explain, but it’s so powerful. 

It’s so powerful to think, I am a Mother to a little girl in Heaven. That’s my ultimate goal for each of my babies… the dream really. To raise them to love God and to follow his Word in order to make it to Heaven.

I can only hope and pray that my influence as Ella and Theo’s mother can help lead them to be in Heaven with their sister Allorah one day.

Today, I am celebrating my Allorah Day’s Birthday with beautiful memories. There will be many tears, but the party she is having in Heaven is more than I could ever dream to give her – how could I be sad about that?

I am so honored that God allowed me to be Allorah’s mother for those magical 14 months, and I cannot wait to see her again in Heaven one day. Oh to just imagine what rejoicing there will be on that day!!!

Until then, I will love my babies fiercely with the knowledge I have gained over these past 9 months. I will love following God’s example, and find peace in Him when I fall short. 

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you wonderful ladies out there striving to give your babies the best. You already know this 24/7 job is not one to be taken lightly. No matter what life throws your way, remember to lean on God for peace and understanding. His agape love will get us through the most trying of times that will face us in motherhood. After all, it’s His agape love that allows us to celebrate this day in the first place.

Happy Birthday to my sweet love in Heaven! I know your celebration will be more glorious than our minds could ever fathom. Until I see you again… I love you DEEPLY – UNCONDITIONALLY – SELFLESSLY, my beautiful Lora Day🦋